1. I always smell urine.
If it’s not the baby, it’s the aging dog. If it’s not the dog, it’s an accident in the middle of the night. If it’s not an accident, it’s cleaning the bathroom (or walking by the bathroom, or ignoring the bathroom…). If it’s not the bathroom, it’s the diaper in the garage. Always. Always.
2. It is possible to walk around for hours thinking the baby is stinky AGAIN or maybe I forgot to throw out the stinky diaper…only to realize quite suddenly and unsuspectingly that the culprit is smeared on the inside of my sweater sleeve.
3. All of my children are going to tell me that they HATE me. So far it’s true with #1, 2, and 3. I NEVER told my mom that. (Right, Mom?) I may have left her scary poems on the kitchen table that were intended to make her feel guilty for “forcing” me to choose between soccer and gymnastics in eighth grade…but the “H” word? Nope.
4. My children are going to continue to stink for years. I am used to baby/toddler stink. (see numbers 1 & 2, above) But when walking near my tween daughter’s room, I had an overwhelming sensation of nausea and a strong desire to go to the nearest Bath & Body Works thanks to the 10 sprays of Gardenia Body Splash she had just implemented into her morning beauty routine.
5. I need to buy stock in Saltine crackers. Seriously. My family goes through these things like I go through bread.
6. I may have to start wearing ear plugs in my car. Not necessarily because of the kids’ choices of music or shows, but because my kids are LOUD. I don’t think they’re loud in the normal kind of kid-rambunctious-loud. I think they possess super powers that are related to sound and intensity. I feel their loudness in my tooth-fillings.
7. I will miss diapering my kids. I can’t believe I’m admitting to it. It’s not the bottom-wiping or the Desitin-smearing or the getting kicked incessantly in the belly; it’s the 1 min. 30 seconds of eye contact and one-on-one conversation or singing…4 or 5 times a day…everyday.
8. No matter how long I hold my breath as I walk up the stairs; no matter how gently I perform the peel from the chest-while holding the head in the crook of my arm- while easing the FINALLY SLEEPING child onto the mattress dance; no matter how I glide across the floor in my socks, avoiding all the creaks; no matter how I hold the door handle and release it ever so slowly so no auditory clicking can be heard… my husband will come upstairs within 5 minutes and slam the toilet lid, close the bathroom door normally, slam the laundry chute, and yawn as if people in China need to understand his fatigue.
9. There will always be dishes in my sink. ALWAYS. I know there are moms out there who don’t subscribe to this theory, but even if I make it my daily mission to keep that sink empty, there will be one glass, one spoon, one plate that escapes my cleaning clutches.
10. Here’s my corny and sweet #10 that makes #1-9 worthwhile: I love these little suckers. Just one unexpected hug or act of kindness or cleaned room is enough to remind me that life is good, love abounds, and I will survive another day. Just makes the ‘ol uterus swell with pride.