Walking by Faith

Right at this moment I’m staring at a room full of high school juniors clad in green and white and gray and black with a goofy grin on my face.  Some of them are looking back at me, slightly confused at this strange blonde woman giving them such a ridiculously happy look. Some of them are slightly annoyed at my joyous mood, and who can blame them? After all, I’m not the one sitting in the classroom desk, facing a long day of lectures and assignments and homework.  And some of them – many, actually – smile back.  And even though I don’t really know them, I love them all.

One year ago, almost to the day, I was sitting at my surprise 40th birthday party telling my sister how I had experienced an “A-ha” moment where I felt the world opening up to me once again.  After 13 years of child-rearing, I had 3 in full-time school, and 2 in half-day school.  There was a little light at the end of the tunnel, a new transition about to occur. I told her that I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back into teaching. I know this is a common thing many female teachers do, but after being out of the classroom for 13 years, I wasn’t sure it was my calling any longer.  I didn’t know what this new path might be, but it just felt good to be able to consider some options.

Just months later, my husband and I found ourselves in a situation where we needed to fill a financial “gap” of sorts and out of this necessity, I called my friends at my former place of employment to see if they might need a substitute teacher. I was back in front of a classroom within the week.  Within a month, I was talking to my good friend Gina about possibly coming back next year as a substitute or some other part-time position. And now, 5 months later, I am applying to my college alma mater’s graduate program in order to not only garner enough credits to renew my teaching certificate, but eventually obtain a Master’s degree.

Oh my, how the tides have turned.

But while I chuckle at my newly-turned 40 year old self enjoying the thought of not teaching again, I know that moment was a turning point for me. I feel like I was opening a door – not one to a specific destination, but a door open to a new path. Now, don’t get me wrong – I struggle with change. And while the idea of a new phase of my journey sounded plausible – good, even – I was in no hurry to begin it. But now I have…

And it’s led me to being back in front of a group of kids – and I feel

Home.

I felt this way when I gave birth to Kate. God touched my heart and gave me such an experience of joy that it affirmed everything about being a mother to my children. And I feel this way today.  It’s hard to explain.

I mean, I am raising 5 children and tending to many of their needs – including dinner, bathing, homework, soccer practice, volleyball practice, girl scout meetings, art classes, etc, etc. And I am in charge of the building that houses us all and the labor that is required to keep it functioning and clean (ish).  And I am working many days out of the week currently in my role as substitute teacher.  And I still need to find time to communicate with my husband – not just about the details of our overly scheduled days – but about heart stuff, and life stuff, and just stuff.  And now I’m going to add school? And possibly full-time teaching? And who knows what else?

I should be stressed out of my mind, but instead I have a stupid grin on my face and my heart is singing.  And guess why?

I didn’t open that door. God did. He knows my heart and my strengths and my weaknesses and my hesitations and my stresses and my needs.  His Spirit was in that hospital room with me when I was holding my Kate – the daughter whose life would alter mine more substantially than I would ever realize in that moment.  And His Spirit was in that “A-ha” moment, readying me for this new journey. And His Spirit is with me now, providing the peace and joy I’m feeling as I take these new steps into what seems like certain chaos and struggle.

But I feel like I’m just walking simple steps of faith. I’m trying to stay open – a daily choice – to where He is guiding me.  I know it will be difficult and there will times I question it all.  But he doesn’t promise me that it will be easy…

Just that I will not be alone.

And it feels like

Home.

 

 

 

2 Responses to “Walking by Faith”

  1. Marysue Wright says on :

    Keep on writing, girl! You inspire me!

  2. Dad says on :

    HE WILL always be there to guide you and your mother and I will have your ‘back ‘as long as we are here.

    Love you,
    Dad

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