Joy is a Choice

When I lost Kate, I was 5 months pregnant with our first son, Ty. Of course, this precipitated extra concern for his welfare, as he was being housed by a grieving mother.  But without much conscious thought, my instincts kicked in and I was able to feed my body (seriously, when have I EVER failed to feed this body?!) and this new baby in the way that he needed to be nourished.

4 months later our serious, thoughtful, sensitive baby boy entered our world. I won’t lie and say I felt the same kind of joy as during the births of our girls, but there was something even more powerful born that day – the promise of joy. And for a mother who was still reeling from the shock and suffering that accompanies losing a child, that promise was something beautiful and tangent. In Ty’s birth, more than perhaps any event in my life, I was reminded (or maybe it was then that I first truly learned) that joy can be a choice.

Joy is a Choice

Joy is a Choice

Joy is a choice.

One of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp, says “Gratitude precedes the miracle.”  This is so much more than a quote to me – it is the air I breathe. For it is in being thankful for the time I had with Kate that I am able to continue living without her. It was in being thankful for this baby boy, that I was able to choose and feel joy again.

It was a miracle.

Joy is a Choice

Joy is a Choice

That serious, joy-reminding baby how now become a rambunctious, intelligent, athletic, 8 year old. I cannot fathom how that happened so very quickly, but here we are. He is still so very sensitive – I often wonder if it’s because of what he endured in the womb as we were connected in my physical and emotional grief. It is one of the many mysteries held deep within this mother’s heart. And he continues to teach me how to choose joy, only now it’s in the form of smelly, tousled, soccer-practiced hair and perennially dirty fingernails messy from prying up carefully-placed rocks from my flower garden.

He teaches me to choose joy when he says no to my embrace and yes to Dad’s. He teaches me to choose joy when there is roller skating AND basketball-playing AND Skylander-tossing AND Keith Urban-singing ALL at the same time. He teaches me to choose joy even as I stumble and flail about, entering this new boy-mom territory that involves so much more more than the boy manuals teach.

Joy is a Choice

Joy is a Choice

I am so thankful for my Ty-Ty. And in that, the miracle abounds wrapped in grace and hope and love.  I choose joy. Thank you, buddy.

 

 

 

 

3 Responses to “Joy is a Choice”

  1. Jamie says on :

    I remember holding Ty the first time at the Marshall’s and feeling that same powerful joy, the promise of God and His goodness as we find out way in the broken world. Ty is a special boy, no doubt with a very special mama!! 😉

  2. LilBS says on :

    I love that we share these powerful memories of our kids!! 🙂

  3. Gerri says on :

    As usual a eonderful read. Haven’t you come so far Be my? But I guess we all have. Things happen and life changes to never be the same again. We take what life hands us a and keep our eyes upward. Thanks Becky for helping me to choose joy as well. ❤️❤️

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